What a season this has been. I know many of us are struggling as the days blur together and have been for weeks now. It can seem like ‘Groundhog day’ and we might even start to have that mentality of what does it matter what I do today, because tomorrow it is going to happen all over again anyway. Hold that thought as I share what happened on this seemingly mundane, and ordinary rainy day.
Yes, another cloudy and rainy day this week with more in the forecast. There is only so much I can do inside with the boys so days like this can really be a struggle for me and for Kennedy.
I had just laid the boys down and Kennedy and I did a quick workout (thank you @nourishmovelove) and I wanted her to come with me to check the mailbox and pick flowers from the garden. A quick moment of freedom to enjoy the cool crisp air. As always she started with questions about what we were doing and I stopped her.
“Kennedy, trust me.”
We walked outside and she decided to bring her little stuffed lion. I already knew what I had planned and decided it would be okay for him to come along. But when she picked up a stick for our walk I knew that she wouldn’t be able to partake in what I had planned as her hands were now full. So, I told her “you can’t bring the stick baby you need to drop it.”
She refused, and my heart instantly broke.
“Kennedy, you need to go back inside and take off your boots, rain jacket and wait for me on your bed.” She began to cry, “Give me one more chance!” While I wanted to bend and allow her to still come, I knew I couldn’t. You see we have been seeing a heart issue during this season of not wanting to obey the first time. Kennedy has been fighting to argue and justify why she disobeys and we know this is something that needs to be dealt with now. No matter how hard it can be sometimes as parents we can see that her selfish, sinful nature is very real and we want to give her tools to recognize and take those feelings to her Heavenly Father and ask for a heart change to submit.
I continued down the driveway as she slowly made her way inside.
As I was in the garden looking at the rain drops on the flowers God spoke to me and I immediately felt the need for repentance. He said, “Annah how many times have you refused to obey me?”
My heart broke.
“Annah, I have wanted to share so much with you but so many times you refused to do what I was asking.”
God, I am sorry. My heart aches for all the things I have missed out on that you have planned for me. All the beauty and wonder that you wanted to share with me. God, help me to die daily to my sinful nature and trust you with open hands. Help me to give up anything that I might think I need to bring with me but instead trust in your direction to leave it behind because I will need my hands free for the journey you’ve prepared for me.
After I came inside I went to talk with Kennedy.
I told her how her decision to disobey and not trust me broke my heart. I also told her that I had to ask God for forgiveness for all the times I refused to trust and obey Him. I explained that God has a plan for our lives and He has amazing and beautiful things He wants to share with us but we have to trust Him.
Likewise, her father and I have amazing and beautiful things we want to share and teach her but we need her to trust us. Trust that we have a plan, purpose and meaning in everything we ask of her and every direction we give. She simply, has to lay down her desire to control the details and instead trust us.
Kennedy and I spoke with each other and she was still sad and upset because I didn’t give her another chance. “Kennedy, every day… every decision is a chance to obey. We need you to trust us and decide to obey the first time.”
Thank you God for speaking into my heart through the eyes of being a parent. God help me to fight my need to control and instead lay it daily at your feet…trusting the plan and purpose you have for our lives. Help me to make those daily decisions to obey in both the little and big things that you ask of me.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord,
“plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.
You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”
Jeremiah 29:11-13
